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[09 Nov 2009|10:45pm] |
There's something that I think I should/n't say.
I don't know what it would do, and I'm pretty sure that it wouldn't accomplish anything, but oh god it's always on my mind. I can't do this to myself again, but here's the rub - and I'm sure if I knew the answer, I could cure most the sadness in the world. How do I make it stop?
It's such a twisted little game in life, such a horridly blissfully stupid thing. And I'm such a fool and I fall so hard when I'm chasing phantoms that were only in my head. But not like that, what a cop out, what a cruel miserable thing to say. But we can't. Not like you do.
Sometimes I wish for more, then I realize I haven't paid the bill yet. I don't get to make wishes anymore.
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[28 Oct 2009|11:06pm] |
I'm not quite sure why I do this to myself.
I know that sometimes I question why I am like this, and I say that I won't do it anymore, but it's what comes naturally. I just look at the world in rather black and white kind of terms when it comes to some abstract concepts. I can be pessimistic. I have a nearly regularly scheduled swing into depression and anger towards the world once every couple of months but I generally try to find the very best in everyone. It's the easiest that way - I get along with everyone if they are willing to get along with me.
People who are distressed need help.
If you make a promise, it's to be kept.
People who are together are in love.
Chivalry and honor are absolute.
None of the above are true all of the time. People pander for attention because they are selfish, and take the help away from people who need it most. Promise is just a word. There is no chivalry left except in stories and scams. Love is optional.
It's not fair. I hate seeing the people I care about hurt because people are selfish and self centered and liars! The people who deserve the most love, the most help are always let down because there are so many cruel people in the world, and it's not fair. And it hurts the most when there's nothing I can say or do to make things better. So I sit here and cry about problems that aren't mine because my inability to help hurts so much.
I hate this. Why can't life just be fair the way that it should be??
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[30 Aug 2009|02:06am] |
I always get confused when I go back to school. One minute I'm ready to catch a bus I cannot get out of here fast enough. Then while I'm packing my things, even while my sister says she'll help me as she is walking out of the house ditching me on my last night here, I don't want to go. I love my family, I do, mostly. I just want to ... I dunno... be missed. I want them to stay here and hang out with me on my last nights here.
The only reason I'm missed is because then they have to put the dog out, or do their own dishes.
Not new, but it's one of the last ones I finished... I dunno. I'm not in a mood to draw lately. I'm not much in a mood to do anything.
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| Random Entry! |
[20 Aug 2009|11:43pm] |
I like being spontaneous and random. Unfortunately, I'm really getting to the age where it's frowned on. A while back I went outside at like, midnight, and just danced in my driveway like crazy and got yelled at by my neighbor XD My friends all think I'm nucking futs, but that's just about normal.
And tonight, I was running around like a loon in the house, am still wearing my dog's collar (it's too big!), I want to do semi-inappropriate paintings, and just drew a sketch of Loki chasing down a giant gummy (Jelly!) bear.
I'm pretty sure the stress is making me fully crack. I am having those stress pains again, getting ready to go back to school is terrifying even if I love it, and knowing I'm supposed to graduate this year is even worse.
Did have a moment of relaxation though when I started freaking out about anime club stuff before I realized it's so not my job anymore. That was a nice moment, even though I really did love club, it was a lot of stress on my mind to make sure that everything was going to plan, and that things were taken care of, even thought they were I would get so worked up. I don't like having charge over things.
I'm also totally crushing on someone I reallllllly shouldn't be. Or maybe it's not so bad. I don't know. Pretty much impossible. But hell, I'm a glutton for punishment I guess. Better go give the dog his collar back and put him to bed. I think I should clean more, even if I have to be up early tomorrow.
Blarghhhh.
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[12 Aug 2009|01:32am] |
Does it make me a bad person to be a little upset at another person's happiness because I am not the one causing it? I must just be a jealous person, this happens too often. I want to mean it when I say, 'as long as it makes you happy'. I want to be a good, nice person.
In other news, I went blueberry picking today! I also caught two tiny tiny as small as the tip of my finger frogs! There will be pictures when it's not 2:30 am. There was also the beginging of the metor shower. I didn't stay out long because Trev didn't want to stay out long, dad is back hom, and I'm terrified of being out there by myself. If Trevor hadn't taken away my flash light and the deer/raccoons/manbearpig would stop crashing around in the woods immediately to my sides, I might have been okay with that, but things being as they were i wasn't. Saw a few beauties though.
All in all a good day. Except for this dull ache in my chest.
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| Michigan numero uno |
[10 Aug 2009|03:06pm] |
I always feel the imperminance of life the strongest when we go to the beach. I think it's the way the waves wash away all signs of one having been there and the way that things that have always been a certain way get changed. At the beach here are some remnants of an old fence, or dock, not sure, but they are huge beams of wood that are sunk into the sand, sometimes peeking up out of the water. And the channel, where Lake Michigan connects to Silver Lake, rises and falls depending on the tide or the rains and what not. It was very high today, and just looking out at it before there were a bunch of people on the beach... It looked like I would expect it to look hundreds of yers ago, before this place was so inhabited. And tomorrow, it will look completely different.
Such is the imperminance of life. And sometimes that makes me feel so empty inside. There is nothing that anchors me here. When I die, I shall be forgotten and the world will return to how it once was without me.
How rediculously depressing.
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[08 Aug 2009|01:53am] |
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Quick life update.
Been going out a little more. Baby steps really. Mostly going out with my mom (swimming!) but going out with friends a little more too. I find that I would rather be home with my friends online more often than not, but it's nice to interact with people too. I also like that I have someone to talk to that I know won't judge me. Well. Maybe she will, I don't know. I am disconnected from the whole LGBT community thing. I go to the club meetings at school but I don't find a reason to seperate myself from all the rest of the community. It's them with the problem, not me. =D But apparently there is some bad mojo between Lesbians and Bisexuals? At least, I have been informed of that. I don't know, whatever XD She also dated a transperson(MtF), so she doesn't give me funny looks when I mention it. (I also totally didn't know, but I only met her once, and only for about a minute)
I am going to Michigan for the next week. I want to do some drawings while I'm up there. Also! My friend Nae said that she would give me some drawing pointers, and she draws sooooo well, and I'm excited that she'll help me. I want to do some character drawings. I have so much to draw, and so little talent XD Rathen, I said I'd try drawing something everyday, but that failed pretty hardcore. Not enough time in the day for all the things I want to do.
I'm also going back to school at the end of the month, and it's terrifying but wonderful. I don't know how I'm going to get all this done before I have to graduate. I'm getting sent into the 'real world' by this time next year. That's terrifying. I don't even want to think about it right now. It makes me cry just thinking about it XD
I'm also going to work with my daddy tomorrow. I have to find my work shoes, I doubt running around there in sandals is gonna cut it XD I also hate doing laundry. It is terrible. Rawwwr. I'm tired. Sleep now.
I like all of you very much =D Goodnight.
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| Bit of Art |
[16 Mar 2009|09:37pm] |
I did those a while ago, but it leads into my idea, well one of them, for another bit of art. I like painting t-shirts. I think that it's a really neat way to sort of show off what you like in your own unique way. And I have had a design for a shirt for myself for a while, but I have been a lazy ass about doing it. I'm thinking of painting wings down the back of my shirt. One in soft blues and white as an angel's wing, the other in black and red, a devil's wing. I have the devil's wing sketched out and I like it well enough, but I'm having trouble with the angel's wing. Fluffy feathers are always hard though. I'll post a picture onces I finally get around to doing it.
Anyone have any suggestions for other shirts I should do? I have a whole pack of plain t-shirts to art up, and I know I have to do the one for you, Lacey. I just can't settle on a good picture! Maybe, would you like instead, for me to put Zack on it instead? I could maybe do Zack on one side and Cloud on the other instead of doing them on a painting for you. I dunno.
I also have this really good idea image in my head for a painting I want to do of my room mate. She'll be graduating this year, which is way sad, and she's been my best friend here since I was an itty bitty freshie, so I want to do something nice for her. I will put up the concept sketches when I finish them. Alright. Night all! Tomorrow will hopefully be a less shitty entry.
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| Swing It Right Round |
[15 Mar 2009|11:29pm] |
So. I haven't died yet, and whether or not that is a good thing in your opinion is best kept that way. -grins- It is redonculously late for me to be up on a school night, but not so much as it's not unusual. I suppose I would give some sort of update or something if It wasn't so late. But it is. So...
Instead, I'm going to tell you what I'd like to do with this poor misused, mistreated journal thing. I'm going to start writing here. Everyday, hopefully. Something little, some poem or verse or perhaps little story that pops into my head. If I fail to do that, I'm going to post drawings. I'm going to try to do like Rathen dear and draw something every day. I don't want life to be as boring as it has been. I want some adventure, even if I have to make it up myself. You might get the occasional little story about me, if I find I have something worth while to say, some interesting tidbit about life that I want to share, otherwise, it's going to be just musings. If this makes you kick me off your friends list to keep the incessant drivel from sullying up your friends page, feel free. I won't be offended. Well I might, a little, but I'll get over it.
What I'd really like to share is that I won't put any more emo-bitch whine-y moments up here! Hurray! And there was much rejoicing. I would like criticism on my writings, drawings and what not though, so if you think I have a retarded style that would only make sense to a brain-dead ape, let me know, ya? Or else what's the purpose of putting it up here?
Well... that's about it, my friends. Hope you all are having a great time out in this massive joke we call existence. Just wait for the punch line. It's a really killer. -smirks- Ta.
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[14 Feb 2009|11:15am] |
Hullo guys.
Feel terrible. I don't know why, but I haven't been able to sleep for weeks. when I wake up in the mornings it looks like I'm wearing clown makeup my eyes are so dark XD. If this semester doesn't kill me, I may make it out of school alive, but I might not. My temper has been terrible lately from stress and lack of sleep, I'm afraid of my future here, and by god it would be nice to see some friendly faces.
Lacey. if you're alright, set my mind at rest and leave me a message, yea? I've not heard from you since that big ice storm and I'm worried sick. -hugs-
I'm tired guys. I don't wanna fight anymore.
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[22 Dec 2008|11:06pm] |
Haven't been on in forever. Sorry about that.
Baking all day today =D
doing some drawings later I think. Hurray!
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[20 Oct 2008|08:32pm] |
Computer died. sorry ghuys. brbjk XD
need new power cord (i think, hopefully) then will be back online.
Love y'all. be good!
-mel
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[29 Sep 2008|12:23am] |
For those of y'all that I talk to often, I suppose I'll leave a message here for you. This week I'm gonna be super busy pretty much every day until Saturday night. I might be un-busy intermediately from time to time, so I will try to talk to you, but this is homecoming week here at CU, and we are planning on taking home a second trophy! (even if we never got the first XD)
To give you a sample of what we are doing, I've got pictures of our window decoration already. Here for your pleasure -
Awesome, yes? Yes. =D I'll keep y'all updated as we go.
Also, for those that knew I entered it. I won the art contest. First place, baby =D booya.
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| Life!S |
[21 Sep 2008|10:51pm] |
So I haven't updated in a while. Figure I should use this for something though. I'll let everyone in on a bit o' my life.
Not all that interesting, so sorry for that.
Uhm. Still single. Hurray...? I dunno. It sucks, but I am pretty sure it's because I come off bitchy or scared or weird. Whatever it is, I have also come to the realization that I have no time for other people. Everyone I know who has a someone is constantly worrying over when they'll get to see them, and how they have to do this that and the other thing with them, and omg he might be looking at other girls at school fits. Yuck. Seriously, I have a heavy course load that I so don't have the time to be worrying about all that. I know that every single person probably says this but come on. Biochem+Criminal Law+Evo&Eco+Adv. Forensics = Melody barely has time to shower and dress. Now add on work and club, and I just have to not dress in the mornings. (I do, don't worry, no one's eyes have caught fire yet) So, anyways.
Will totally change my mind on that as soon as I start crushing on someone again XD DONT CARE!
Yea, I've been in the most strangest random moods lately. I talk my head off, just because... Here at school, people listen. I don't know if I can trust most of them - I still have trust issues, and I still hate talking about myself in deeper ways than 'I had this for lunch and it was good' or 'Wow, I effing love this comic book character, and this is why -" Mind you, I think everyone is getting sick of that tangent, but! My school's homecoming theme is superheroes. And for those of you who know me, you know that I am the biggest superhero geek. Well, not THE biggest, but the biggest that most people I know, know.
On that subject, I am really excited, and really disappointed. For the disappointment, I was told I cannot enter the superhero pageant (Booo) because I am female and the pageant is traditionally male only. I was the only one that really wanted to be in it, but Wally took the heat and said he'd go in my place. On the exciting note though -
GUYS. I actually entered an art contest! I'm really excited, and (though I know it isn't as good as it could be) I am really proud of the piece I entered. I thought I was being rather clever too. It's a little political (at least for my school) and I did a painting of the Dark Knight (Batman FTW!) versus the Moon Knight, with the words college and university respectively behind them. My school just recently changed it's name from College to University, and I am wholly against it. So, if anyone knows the history behind Batman and the Moon Knight, they would know that the Moon knight is kinda Marvel's rip-off Batman. My piece is titled - 'Carroll - Accept no Imitations'. I thought it was clever at least. But. I hope I win =D
I also love cheese and grapes.
Thank you for listening! Tune in next time for another exciting installment of 'This boring life!'
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[02 Sep 2008|01:18am] |
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Hi guys! I'm back at school now. spent all day yesterdey moving everything here. will spend all day today unpacking and organizing, sleeping (like I should now!) and buying my school books. Just really wanted to let y'all know I got here safe. Alls well that ends well, hopefully. Talk to y'all later.
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| ... there are no words. Wait. Yes there are. HOLY SHIT! |
[11 Apr 2008|11:24pm] |
Okay, basic questions first.
Yes I'm alive, no I'm not doing so well, school is a bitch and a half, school will end in a few weeks, I'm still not dating, I have a crush but It's pretty awkward, I miss my family and my dogs, Loki and Emma are doing fine and I will have pictures for you of them later, work is cool, I'm over stressed and underpaid, and life could be worse.
How are you?
Now, on to more important things. I will have some pretty pictures of me up (!!!!) I know, I didn't think they existed either, but some of them are kinda nice. I do have pictures of Emma and Loki though. I'm saving the biggest news for last, so first, pictures.
Here's the pair of them together. Loki was protecting Em from me.
This one is Loki himself. Devious little love, yes he is.
And this one is Emma. She's kinda ... a freak. Yes, that's bout right.
They are both rana pippiens, or Northern Leopard frogs. I saved them from the animal colony room, and they eat worms from me. Good frogs. Emma is greener, and for about a week had Loki outsized by almost three times. I don't really know if they are the sexes I named them for, since I don't know how old they are, or anything else really, but Loki seemed like a boy, and Emma seemed like a girl. She was always bigger, and thats the one clue I have on sexing frogs. Ethan named her Emma for me. Loki was cause... well... I love Loki. I really do.
Now, to the most exciting news I've had in ages.
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| I live! |
[09 Mar 2008|11:36pm] |
Ahhhhhhhhhh bollocks.
I suppose I should tell you all that I am, in fact, alive. Yes, it may only be by an act of God, but I do live on.
Last week was the week from Hell. This weekend, though not hellish, was busy busy busy. This only adds on to the stress that I have naturally been under from being sick. Turns out it was the flu (so says they. I've never been in so much pain from a flu, but I guess it's the monster virus) and I'm nearly recovered. A few linger aches, a chesty cough, and a sore throat are testament to last weeks trials by fire. But so be it!
What have I accomplished in this past week? Lots, in my opinion. I finished a take home exam, completed physics lab write ups, and a physics paper. I did the homework required for my pysch class, the homework for my physics class, went to work (except on Wednesday and Thursday, cause I was dying), helped host the DDR tournament last Saturday, played mafia for the first time, wrote the most part of a full lab report for Modern instrumentation, helped lay out the election and job guidelines for Anime Club, attended the Senate hearing to get us some more monies to go to ACEN (OMG yes) and became the recording secretary for the House of Organizations.
... Yes, I think that I did quite well in this last week, and that's excluding the mundane everyday things I accoplished as well. I think I did pretty darn good, thank you very much.
Now, on to all that life stuff that never really gets me anywhere. I don't feel really bad putting it up here today cause... well I'm too damn tired to care all that much. I miss my friends and family at home a lot. I seriously contemplated leaving school for a while there - all except for the fact that my dad'll kill me if I leave without getting that sheepskin. But... I really lost sight of what I am here for for a while. I mean, I don't really like any of my classes this semester. I like forensics, but it's barely a redemption from everything else that I have to trudge through, and I just don't really want to deal with it. But it's getting better I think. I can't wait until spring break, I think that will help me out.
I read American Gods, finally. Man... that was such a good good book. Everyone should read it. It's free online right now, go, read it, be happy. Whether you're into fantasy, drama, mystery, you'll love it. It's just damn fine reading. Here's a link -
http://browseinside.harpercollins.com/index.aspx?isbn13=9780060558123&WT.mc_id=author_AmerGods_FullAccess_022208
I just heard a song on the radio that had that effect on me. Where I hear it, and I think of things lost, and I nearly lose it. Yea, I'm an idiot, but what can I say? I don't love just for the moment of it. The people I love will always have a place in my heart, and I will always, always love them, even if they don't return the sentiment.
I miss Lacey. You've been gone so long it seems, after getting to talk to you so much. I hope that everything's going alright with you. Feel free to give me a call, or drop me a line if you need to. Love you hun.
I might go missing again for a few days - lots to get done and very little time in which to do it. Well, nose to the grindstone, right?
Love you guys, all of you. Even if I don't say it enough, or we don't speak like we used to. I still love you all ^___^
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| Things to keep my mind off anything |
[19 Feb 2008|08:11pm] |
I have the stomach flu. Thanks Tiff, for that. Last time I ever comfort you >:o just kidding. So I felt like dying yesterday, but today has been a marked improvement.
Also! I am stealing this to put up from ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) wschmrdr
Why am I on your friends' list?
If you answer...
1. I'll respond with something random I like about you.
2. I'll associate you with something. Something.
3. I'll name something we should do together.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me (or just me).
5. I'll tell you my clearest first memory/impression of you.
6. I'll leave you a quote that is somehow appropriate to you.
7. I will compare you to an item of food.
8. I'll tell you something I like about how you look.
9. I'll tell you why I added you as a friend on LJ.
10. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you. Or just the first question that crosses my mind.
11. I'll give you a line or two of poetry, song lyrics, or whatever.
12. I'll tell you my favorite userpic of yours.
13. I'll tell you what location carries my strongest association with you, and explain if an explanation is necessary.
Take it and repost it if you want to.
Also - i want some chicken soup. I think I can keep it down. Ta for now!
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| Random ponderings on the topic of life |
[13 Feb 2008|11:36pm] |
So, today I've realized a few things.
My niece was born, healthy and tiny, and I wasn't there to see it. I was at first joyed at her birth, then depressed because I'm a hundred miles away from those I care about most at this triumphant moment, and all the news I get of it is a grouchy phone call at eight in the morning from my sister. I wanted to be there badly for this moment, just as I was for the births of my nephews. Because this is a big thing and I wanted to share it with the people who unconditionally love me.
Which brings up the subject of Valentines day. Ah, yes. I don't even have the solace of getting shit faced and not remembering it later. It's hard to be surrounded by couples when I have seemingly failed at every attempt at love outside my family I have endeavored in. It's a lousy time really. Love's never been an easy thing for me to understand. Perhaps it's because I had a hard childhood, or too many childhood traumas to have a successful loving relationship, but I don't buy into that psychosocial crap. Everyone has their issues, and everyone finds love. 'cept me is seems. Some are born for success and some are doomed for failure, it seems.
And these things on top of a never ending list of worries, duties, and work have been quite the burden lately. Conversations that make me just want to give up on life and the people in it, actions that make me wonder why people can do so much harm to others.
But today was one of the good days, for the most part.
I picked up after a while, because life still happens in you're there or not. Love still grows. I have a niece, Autumn, and a loving family that I know has my back when I need them. Life is a never ending cycle - when one light burns out, another bursts into radiance. It's hard to be happy when you don't know what to do with all the sad, but sometimes it doesn't hurt to just be happy and ignore everything else, because those are the moments that matter most.
And I made valentines for all my friends. I drew the card myself, and sent them to them in secret (mostly) because I know that it will brighten up their days. And that's what love really is - I love everyone much more than I let on. I try to be tough and rowdy, but I really just want everyone to be happy because it would make life so much better. So I try to do little things to cheer them up, and even if it isn't much, I hope it at least brings a smile to their face.
And just coming back from club tonight, I was talking to Skip, and something dawned on me. I am an optimist (you guys know this, painfully so perhaps) and I really do want to find the best in people and in situations. But sometimes it's painfully hard to be an optimist when the whole world's against you. When you're pretty much the only one holding up the idea that things aren't really all that bad. It's hard for me, really, because I'm not strong enough to stand on my own. But I'm not really alone. That's what I've realized. because as little as people believe that the world isn't so bad, they -need- to believe it. It's the only way we can survive, because look at the alternative. So I'm not really alone in trying to make the world a nicer place, in believing that things can be good. I've got all of the people I love, all the people in the world that need it to be good to watch out for. I do believe that people are inherently good in nature. Competitive, loners, and sometimes selfish for survival, but inherently, they are all good. It's the only way I can forgive those who mean me harm, and those who would call my naive for doing so.
More people just need to see that, so they don't forget that everyone is worth the chance.
"-I am anti-life, the beast of judgement. I am the dark at the end of everything. The end of universes, gods, worlds... of everything.
And what will you be then, Dreamlord?
- I am hope."
~ Choronzon and Dream, playing the oldest game, in Preludes and Nocturnes.
/philosophical yammerin
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| Etrigan cutie! |
[05 Feb 2008|11:11pm] |
Because I love both he and Batman so very much, this entry is dedicated to my favorite Demon (yes, I have a favorite). If you and I have talked about Demons ever, I have mentioned him over and over again. My dear demon lord Etrigan!
First, because I think it's just the cutest thing ever EVER concerning the Justice League (EVER) I will share this with you. You must wattttcch.
Kid's Stuff!
He got shrunk to a babbbbyyyyy. Waii!!
Now, here is possibly the best comic scene ever. And it has Batman and Etrigan!
Page 1
Page 2
Page 3
Page 4
Page 5
Page 6
XD And now that I've shared that, I will go to bed. night night!
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